The Lion,the Witch and The Wardrobe abridged
by Fruggle
Summary: the abridged version of a classic children tale. Better than it sounds
1. Chapter 1

**The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe Abridged**

**Wrote this when I was feeling bored and random.**

**This is my first story so try not to hate me too much. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Chronicles of Narnia, or any other popular book/film/TV show/person etc that I may make a reference to.**

**I know it is written in script form. Please don't ask. **

_First scene _

_Inside the bombers, the Germans are having a discussion_

**First German: **I don't see the point of all this, we're going to lose the war anyway

**Second German: **Shut up, Lou!

_In the Pevensies house, Edmund is looking out of the window _

**Edmund: **Yay, fireworks!

_Peter enters_

**Peter: **Do you have a death wish?

**Edmund:** I may be an emo, yes

**Peter: **Just …. Get in the hole

**Edmund:** But it's dark in there.

**Peter: **And where are the slu.. I mean, where's your sisters?

_In Lucy's bed room_

**Lucy: **Mr Snuggles will save me

**Mr Snuggles:** I'm going to cut you. So many times

**Lucy:** I wuv you too

_Susan enters _

**Susan: **Lucy, remember no Snuggles when you're PMS'ing

**Lucy: **But Mr Snuggles and I are in love!

**Mr Snuggles: **Soon, oh soon you will die

**Susan: **no Lucy, He'll eat your face.

_Susan grabs Mr Snuggles and throws him in a convenient safe box._

**Mr Snuggles: **_(trying to get out of the safe box)_ REVENGE!...RE...VENGE!

**Susan:** now get in the hole while I ste... _examine_ your stuff.

_In the air-raid shelter _

**Grandma:** we're all going to die!

**Susan:** who the hell is she?

**Edmund: **I think she's our Grandmother

**Susan: **_(checking the script)_ we don't have a Grandmother, she must have sneaked in!

**Peter: **take...her...out!

_A ninja action sequence takes place, with Edmund watching and everyone else trying to beat up the old woman, but she keeps knocking them down. Eventually Edmund draws a knife and stabs her in the face._

**Mum: **heh, nice

**Peter: **_(sitting up and rubbing his stomach)_ where the hell were you!

**Edmund: **I think she's our Grandmother

**Lucy: **she's our mum you idiot

**Mum: **I was smuggling an old lady in to kick your ass. I'm sick of you.

**Lucy: **why don't you just send us to the country?

**Mum: **I know, I'll send you to the country!

_At the train station _

**Mum:** _(hugging Edmund) _bye everybody, Edmund, take care of yourself.

**Edmund: **aww mum, no fair.

_She turns to Peter_

**Mum: **bye Peter. Oh by the way, Darth Vader is your father

**Peter: **I f***ing knew it!

_She turns to Lucy_

**Mum: **bye Lucy, you were always the special one

**Lucy: **I like potatoes.

**Mum:** you sure do.

_She turns to Susan and moves in to hug her._

**Mum: **you were always my favourite, Susan

**Susan: **no, don't hug me; I'm a kleptomaniac, No, NOOOOO.

_They break up and she's holding her mums bag and her pockets are bulging._

**Mum: **why do I always give birth to the emotional rejects?

To be possibly continued...

**You like? Yes? No? Maybe? Banana? **

**In any case please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Big thanks to ****ChroniclesofNarniaGoTandSJA****and ****Mystic Lover of the fairytale**** for their reviews  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**Chapter 2**

_At the countryside station_

**Edmund: **holy crap, we're here already?

**Peter: **what'd you expect, this is an abridged, we've had to drop scenes.

_20 seconds later_

**Edmund:** _(crouching by a bush trying to get a lighter started) _c'mon, C'MON

**Peter: **Edmund! Stop being emo, Susan where the hell did that come from?

_Susan appears carrying a grandfather clock_

**Susan:** ummm, EBay?

**Peter: **oh, ok

**Lucy: **look, a snail

**Peter: **Lucy, what are you do...OH MY GOD, uh, uh that's horrible oh ahh stop STOP

UHHH no noooooooooooo _etc_

_Snail craws away with unhappy smile on its face. Mrs Macready comes along in a cart_

**Mrs Macready: **yay, four unattended children. Get in my van..er..cart **  
**

**Edmund: **I think she's our Grandmother

**Peter: **stop that!

_At the professors house_

**Edmund: **are we always going to just appear in places?

**Peter: **pretty much

**Mrs Macready: **now there are a few rules before we start. Edmund, no touching anything sharp

**Edmund: **f**k you!

**Mrs Macready: **oh, I wish

_5 hours later_

**Edmund: **What! They just cut five hours out of my life! That's bulls**t!

**Peter: **shut up and play hide and seek

_In the wardrobe room _

**Lucy: **no-one will think of looking for me in the wardrobe in this empty room

_She gets in and keeps walking till she reaches Narnia_

_She sees a sign that says CANDY and has an arrow pointing left_

**Lucy: **Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!

_She runs straight into a lamppost _

_Nelson Much enters_

**Nelson: **_(pointing) _ha ha!

_Nelson exits. Mr Tumnus enters_

**Mr. Tumnus: **aaaaaaay, a girl.

_He starts dragging her towards his house_

**Mr. Tumnus: **aaaaay, my home

_Lucy wakes up to find herself in an armchair in the faun's house_

**Lucy: **coooolllll!

**Mr. Tumnus: **aaaaaay, my bitch

**Lucy: **are you going to sing me to sleep and then rape me?

**Mr. Tumnus: **...Yes

_Lucy wakes up in the faun's home again_

**Lucy: **I feel weak and strangely satisfied

**Mr. Tumnus: **aaaaaaaay, I work for the White Witch, and now I'm going to take you to her or she will cut me and turn me into stone and that's kinda crap so I'm going to take you to her or maybe I shouldn't or maybe I should no I'm not going to come on let's go

_He turns round and she's already gone _

**Mr. Tumnus:**...aaaaaay 

_Lucy comes out of the wardrobe and Susan comes in_

**Susan: **found you

**Lucy:** CRAP!

To be continued...

Please review! I'm still new at this!


	3. Chapter 3

**No reviews for the last chapter? How sad...I can't improve if I get no feedback!**

**Disclaimer: oddly enough, I still don't own the Chronicles of Narnia. That's probably why I'm still writing **_**Fanfiction.**_

_Chapter 3_

_Later that night, Lucy enters the wardrobe room _

**Lucy: **I'm going back in time to shoot Lincoln

_She walks across and opens the wardrobe_

_Edmund enters_

**Edmund: **your mine, Lucy

_He gets in after her and eventually steps into Narnia_

**Edmund: **cold, damp, depressing, Perfect!

_He walks onto a road. A sleigh comes and swerves to avoid him._

**White witch: **time to manipulate your mind!

**Edmund: **are you Jewish?

**White Witch: **yes...wait, no! What the hell? I was going to bribe you with candy but forget it! I'm just going to threaten this bunny!

_She holds up a bunny and holds a knife to its throat_

**Edmund: **don't you think you'reoverreacting a little bit

**White Witch: **no, now tell me who you are!

**Edmund: ** Ok, Ok, you could have just asked, man you're rude

_We cut to the scene where he is walking to the lamp-post_

_We hear a gunshot and Lucy walks in, carrying a smoking pistol and _

_Wearing a top hat with 'Property of Abraham Lincoln' on the front_

**Lucy: **what the hell are you doing here?

**Edmund: **_(sarcastically)_ I came to meet Harry Potter and Obi-wan Kenobi

**Lucy: **oh, ok

_They step out of the wardrobe and Peter and Susan enter _

**Peter: **Mrs. Macready's coming! I'm too young to get violently sexually abused without consent!

**Lucy:**...What?

**Peter: **Raped

**Lucy: **Oh

**Edmund: **let's all get into the wardrobe

**Susan: **why?

**Edmund: **because I f***king said so!

_They all get into the wardrobe and get into Narnia_

_They start walking till they reach Mr. Tumnus's house_

**Lucy: **Faun's house has been ransacked by the Witch!

**Edmund: **you don't know that

**Lucy: **what about the broken door?

**Edmund: **he might be replacing it

**Lucy: **what about all the destroyed furniture?

**Edmund: **he might be redecorating

**Lucy: **what about the blood on the walls?

**Edmund: **he might have slipped, or something

**Lucy: **what about the dead woodland animals?

**Edmund: **he might be having a funeral

**Lucy: **what about the death-note?

**Edmund: **...OK you got me there

_They go outside, where they see a beaver_

**Mr Beaver: **hurry, we must go to...

**Peter: ** AHHHHH, TALKING BEAVER, KILL IT, KILL IT!

_He kills it_

**Lucy: **now what do we do?

**Susan: **let's go rob his house

_A moment later_

**Mrs Beaver: **we must go to the stone table

**Susan: **hey, weren't we going to rob her?

**Edmund: **I think she's our Grandmother

**Susan: **just shut up!

_Later_

**Edmund: **Bye everyone, I'm going to betray you to the White Witch now

**Lucy: **have fun

_We watch Edmund struggle up the hill_

**Edmund: **what! The one journey scene we don't cut, and it's the one where I have to climb up a hill in a snowstorm! Who writes this stuff!

_In another dimension_

**C. S. Lewis: **heh heh, sucker.__

_In the white witch's courtyard, Edmund walks up to a wolf with a sign on it that says_

'_Do not step over'_

**Edmund:** well, I'm going to ignore the fact that it's breathing and step over it

_He tries to step over it and Maugrim jumps up and knocks him to the ground_

_As soon as he sees Edmund, he stops _

**Maugrim: **(sighs) always small boys, never girl scouts (_turning to Edmund_) alright, follow me

To be continued...

If you don't review, you'll make a cute puppy cry.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Thanks for the support,**_ The Lioness Lives!

_At the castle of the White Witch_

**Edmund: **how the hell did I end up in prison?

_He turns and sees Mr Tumnus on the ground_

**Mr Tumnus: **ayyyy, I can't feel my legs

**White witch: **hey, faun guy, this guy betrayed you

**Mr Tumnus: **ayy?

**White witch: **take him away and kill him

**Edmund: **Mr Tumnus, She's lying!

**Mr Tumnus:** _(as he's being dragged out)_ kiss my ass, bitch _(when he is out of sight)_ ayyyy

_In the throne room_

**White witch: **summon my wolves!

**Maugrim: **uhh..All the wolves are on strike

**White witch: **why?

**Maugrim: **they want a dental plan

**White witch: **(_sighs_) fine. Summon my...er...Bears!

**Maugrim: **errr... we're fresh out of bears

**White witch: **demons?

**Maugrim: **nope

**White witch: **foxes?

**Maugrim: **they're the good guys for some reason

**White witch: **_(sighs again) _then what do we have?

**Maugrim: **_(looks at a clipboard) _we just received a crate of celebrities the author hates

**White witch: **they'll do. How exactly are you holding a clipboard?

**Maugrim: **This being the world where **animals **can **talk**

**White witch: **good point

_Maugrim leaves and returns with Amy Winehouse, Chico, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Loham and Jedward _

**White witch: **all right, go kill those kids and that random talking beaver _(to herself) _and hopefully some of you will die too

_At the river_

**Lucy: **how'd we get here so fast?

**Peter: **plot device, Lucy, plot device

**Mrs Beaver: **the ice is melting! Aslan has returned!

**Peter: **who said you could hang out with us?

**Lucy: **let's just cross the river

_They get about halfway across when Chico jumps in front of Lucy _

**Chico: **its Chico time, bitch

_Then there is a really cool fight scene where all the celebrities try to get Lucy, but she keeps knocking them down with awesome ninja moves, until they're all unconscious._

_Long pause_

**Peter: **holy s**t Lucy, where did you learn how to do that?

**Lucy: **Craigslist

**Peter: **O...K

_In the white witches castle _

**Maugrim: **the celebrities failed.

**White witch: **they all died? What a shame.

**Maugrim: **no, they lived, they're waiting outside

**White Witch: **oh...well...execute them for...uh...treason...or something

**Maugrim: **uh...OK

_To be continued...maybe..._

Please review! Even if you hate it, let me know and I'll try to do better


	5. Chapter 5

_Thanks for the support, CrazyDyslexicNerd. And to answer your question, Maugrims favourite cookie is peanut brittle_

_In the woods_

**Susan:**__bananas!

_Everyone turns to stare at her _

**Susan: **what? I didn't get any lines last chapter! I just want some attention!

**Peter: **_(shaking his head)_ what a weirdo

**Lucy: **_(whispering)_ give her a break; she's only in two movies

**Peter: **_(whispering back)_ don't we all meet up in the last one?

**Lucy: **no, she gets all bitchy and starts saying this place doesn't exist

**Peter: **_(shaking his head again)_ what a freak

_Santa enters_

**Santa: **HI...hic...KIDSHH

**Susan: **are you drunk?

**Santa: **DRUNK LIKE YOUR MUM!

**Susan, Peter **and **Lucy: **?

**Santa: **all right...hic...I'm supposed to...hic...give you presents, cause..hic..it's like, Christmas or something.

_He turns to Peter_

Here's...hic...yours

_He hands him a sword and shield_

**Peter: **yyyyyyaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy!

_He grabs them and runs off to have play fights with himself_

_Santa turns to Susan_

**Santa: **_(with Peter having play fights in the background) _here's a bow and...hic...arrows foryou..and a horn to blow when you're in deep s**t

_Susan is rummaging through his sack_

**Susan: **yeah, yeah, just leave it over there; I'll get it when I'm done.

_He turns to Lucy_

**Santa: **here's a magic...hic...potion

**Lucy: **what's it do?

**Santa: **not got a f**king clue, but here's a dagger too

**Lucy: **is it a good idea to give an eight-year-old a dagger?

**Santa: **IS IT A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE YOUR FACE A DAGGER!

**Lucy: **?:(:(

**Santa: **HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

_He falls, unconscious _

**Peter: **well that was...eventful

_In the white witches castle_

**White Witch: **Alright, so you get your dental plan...

**Wolf: **AND Funny Hat Friday

**White Witch: **_(sighs) _yes, and Funny Hat Friday. No go away, I have plotting to do.

_The wolf leaves and Maugrim enters_

**Maugrim: **The celebrities are dead

**Author: **Hooray!

**White witch: **excellent. Now go kill those kids yourself

**Maugrim: **but there're three of them and one of me and one of them knows kung-fu

**White witch: **you're a wolf, aren't you? Grow some balls!

_To be continued..._

Ok, you're probably sick of me constantly asking for reviews, so I'm going to stop. Just remember that feedback is always appreciated.


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry for the late update, I've been kinda idea-less**

_The children are nearly at the stone table _

**Peter:** hey, Lucy, you haven't said anything weird or random for a while now, are you OK?

**Lucy: **chipmunks are SEXY!

**Susan: **she's fine

_They reach the army camp_

**Lucy:** yay a circus, I want to ride the horsey

**Susan: **errr..Lucy, this is an army camp and that's a centaur.

**Lucy: **_(on the centaurs back)_ giddy up, horsey

**Centaur: **_(sighs) _why are our saviours always demented?

_They reach Aslans tent _

_Aslan comes out of the tent_

_He regards them for a while _

**Aslan:** where's my maple syrup, ey? And who are these buddies?

**Peter: **we've come to help you against the white witch.

_A faun approaches with a bottle of maple syrup_

**Aslan: **ahhh, my syrups here. _(turns to the children)_ I'm going to sit here and drink this and watch the hockey game, ey. You go amuse yourselves.

_Later_

**Susan: **let's randomly walk by this river that's several miles from the army camp for no apparent reason!

**Lucy:** OK!

_Maugrim enters and chases the girls up a tree_

**Lucy: **shoot it with your bow, Susan!

**Susan: **uhhh, i kinda sold it on EBay, but I still have this

_She blows on the horn and Peter enters. He stabs the wolf to death_

**Peter: **Bad Kitty, BAD KITTY!

_Aslan enters with some of his soldiers_

**Aslan: **oh, I spilt my syrup, ey _(turning to the soldiers) _go save their brother

**Peter: **what brother?

_At the white witches army camp_

**Minotaur chief: **How did we get an army so quickly?

**White Witch: **I…..don't…..know

_Edmund is tied to a nearby tree_

_A dwarf is taunting him_

**Dwarf: **your-a going-a to-a die-a tonight!

**Edmund: **you're not really Italian, are you?

**Dwarf: **_(hangs his head in shame) _no

_The centaurs arrive_

**Orius: **we're here to save you

_They untie him and tie up the dwarf_

**Centaur: **couldn't we just kill the white witch now and save about an hour of movie time?

**Orius:** shut up Bob!

_Back at the stone table, Susan is just finishing explaining to Lucy_

**Susan: **...and that's where babies come from.

**Lucy: **0_o

**Edmund: **I'm back baby

**Peter: **nobody cares!

_The white witch comes _

**White witch: **that child is mine!

**Aslan: **says who, ey?

**White witch: **says the deep magic!

**Aslan: **what the hell is 'the deep magic'?

**White witch: **It's...well...uh...well...it's...uhh

**Aslan:**...

**White witch: **you know, I have no idea, but give me the boy anyway!

**Aslan: **no

**White Witch: **fine, prepare for battle!


	7. Chapter 7

_**This may be the last update for a while, due to exams and lack of inspiration**_

_We cut to a scene where the army of Aslan is lined up on one end. Peter is in the front with Orius and Edmund, Susan and Lucy are in the back with the archers. A griffin lands beside Peter._

**Griffin: **they come your highness, with numbers and weapons far greater than our own!

**Peter: **who asked you?

_He turns to Orius _

**Peter: **are you with me?

**Orius: **hell no!

_He tries to run off but Peter has chained they're legs together_

**Orius: **?

**Peter: **if I'm going down I'm taking all of you with me!

**Lucy:** when did Peter get brave?

**Susan: **oh, he's not brave, he's just high

**Peter: **I'm coming on my magical unicorn!

**Random Fawn: **dude, you're riding a badger

**Badger: **Narrr!

**Edmund: **where the hell is Aslan?

**Susan: **ummm..

_Flashback_

_**Aslan**__: hay, is this the hairdressers?_

_**White Witch: **__(wearing a false moustache) uhhh..Sure! just lie down on this stone table_

_**Aslan: **__O.K, so I just lie down like this and.. OH GOD! THE PAIN AHHH etc _

_End Flashback  
_

**Susan: **yeah, we should probably go get him.

_Susan and Lucy leave and The Witches army appears on the other side of the battlefield_

**White Witch: **for the last time, you can't wear the hats into battle!

**Minotaur Chief: **_(wearing a cowboy hat) _but it's Friday!

**White Witch: **it'll be your Deathday if you don't get rid of it!

**Minotaur Chief: **that doesn't even make any sense

**White Witch: **just take the ****ing hat off! 

_30 seconds later_

**Peter: **Retreat, Retreat!

**Orius: **Retreat? We didn't even do anything!

**Peter: **I know, this is an abridged, we've had to drop the endless battle scenes

**Orius: **this movie has been more disappointing than Harry Potter 7!

**Edmund: **shut up, I haven't read it yet!

**Orius: **Here's a spoiler! The epilogue sucks!

_At the stone table (which is broken for some reason) _

**Susan: **oh crap! He's dead!

**Lucy: **don't worry, I can fix this

_5 minutes later_

**Lucy: **_(dressed in a black cloak and mask and holding a sceptre) _I call on the powers on Mithros and the dark lord Macra, anoint me with the power of death and light, and...

(Authors note: Lucy is **way **off script now)

...shroud us with your might too bring back the Lion!

_Aslan wakes up_

**Aslan: **ohh, I spilt my syrup, ey

**Susan: **no time for grieving, we need to save Peter and the other one!

_**Too be continued…maybe…**_


	8. Chapter 8

_Ten minutes later_

**Lucy: **_(riding with Susan on Aslans back) _mush, kitty, mush!

**Aslan: **this is really degrading

**Susan: **shouldn't we get some reinforcements?

**Aslan: **are you kidding? I'm Aslan! I can kill them all with one paw, I don't need reinforcements!

**Susan: **then how come they killed you?

**Aslan: **they...um...I...err...Shut Up!

_On the battlefield the White witch is turning the fighters to stone. Orius runs up and tries to stab her, but she turns him to stone_

**Orius: **_(as he is being turned to stone)_I regret nothing!

_Edmund runs up_

**Edmund: **finally, I get a real ba-

_She stabs him_

_Peter arrives_

**Peter: **don't worry, I'll save you!

**Edmund: **_(dying)_ screw you! 

_White witch approaches menacingly _

**Peter: **uh-oh, I need help. Obi-wan, what should I do?

**Obi-wan Kenobi: **you must defeat her with your great swordsman skills

**Peter: **in the **five minutes **I've had the sword?

**Obi-wan Kenobi**: Uhhh, yeah!

**Peter: **no wonder Anakin betrayed you!

_Aslan shows up_

**White Witch: **why aren't you dead?

**Aslan: **I'm the main character, idiot. You on the other hand can just go right ahead and die.

_He eats her_

**Susan: **what the hell! Words like f**k and s**t are bad, but watching a lion tearing a person's face off is A-OK?

**Peter: **will you just shut up and help me draw stuff on Edmunds face?

**Susan: **_(taking out a pen) _is he dead?

**Lucy: **_(drawing a moustache) _no, I somehow worked out that my potion cures fatal wounds and also causes infertility, so it's win-win

**Susan: **_(adding a beard) _so what happens now.

**Peter: **now we are crowned kings and queens of Narnia

**Susan: **what! Why?

**Peter: **I won the country from Aslan in a poker game.

**Susan: **sweet

_At the crowning ceremony, all the survivors are gathered at Cair Paravel, and the children are sitting on thrones at one end of the hall_

**Edmund: **where is this castle supposed to be?

**Peter: **We're not sure, it's pretty vague

_Aslan enters and begins the crowning ceremony_

**Aslan: **I crown you Queen Lucy the Wise, whose wise wisdom will never fail Narnia when it is need of wisdom that is wise.

**Lucy: **If you tie a piece of string around your neck, your face turns purple!

**Aslan: **see? See how wise she is? She's very wise

_He moves to Edmund_

**Aslan: **I crown you King Edmund the Emo. You get a safety crown, no sharp precious stones!

**Edmund: **God f***king damn it!

_He moves on to Susan_

**Aslan: **I crown you Queen Susan the Unimportant

**Susan: **what? But I'm impor-

**Aslan: **and I crown you King Peter the One Who's Probably Gay

**Peter: **Hey!

**Aslan: **All right, I'm going now

**Susan: **hey, how come you're not Canadian anymore?

**Aslan: **what's Canadian?

**Lucy: **will we see you again soon, kitty?

**A****slan****: **well, the author has no social life, so yeah, should be soon.

_Ten Years Later (or, if you live on Earth, Two seconds later)_

_The four children are grown up and riding through the forest, chasing after some deer_

**Susan: **this hunt is going worse than that time we had a war with the Telmarins

**Peter: **maybe we wouldn't have if you hadn't stolen the kings' wristwatch!

**Edmund: **we have wristwatches?

**Lucy: **Guys, maybe we should stop riding.

**Peter: **why?

**Lucy: **cause my horse just died.

**Peter: **oh, guess we're walking then

**Edmund: **How the hell are we meant to catch a deer on foot?

**Susan: **with our tranquiliser guns!

**Edmund: **we have **tranquiliser guns**?

**Susan: **sure, we also have microwaves, refrigerators, TV's, ovens...

**Edmund: **do you know how much self- pain I could have inflicted if I had known this?

**Peter: **Has anyone else noticed our guards are gone?

**Lucy: ** look a wardrobe! Nothing could possibly go wrong if I just run blindly run into it like an idiot!

_She runs in _

**Peter: **let's follow her! She might have found cake!

_They all fall out of the wardrobe_

_Mrs Macready enters, holding a whip_

**Mrs Macready: **you've all been **Bad!**

**The Children: **NOOOOOO!

**The End**

To be continued...never...


End file.
